Big Magic

15 Days 18 Hours…

Until my next dietitian appointment / weight check. So far I am headed in the right direction. Down. But I won’t say until Tuesday how much down I am.  Today though, that is all you will hear about my weight journey.

Let’s talk mental health.

Mine specifically. I had a severely bad day. Actually bad can’t even begin to explain the amount of emotional pain I was in. I could have done without the pain, but the level and types of thought my bad day brought to me were a gift. A silver lining of sorts. Well red if you want to match my eyes after I spent most of the morning crying.  I am a 12 year clean drug addict and that days emotions brought back my craving to disappear. To be numb. Of course, being clean so long, I do not have access to the only drug I have ever taken and for that I am grateful!

What I learned this day.

The day’s emotions started when I reacted wrongly to something my fiancé was trying to discuss. This led to me beating myself up because the most important aspect of our relationship is our communication and I was the one hindering it currently. Then came the “why am I not good enough” and the “why can’t I be attractive to him” and the doubt and hurt and pain that goes along with that. Let me tell you something. Philip thinks I am beautiful and tells me frequently. Says I am the one thing he has going for him. Praises me when I do something to help or make him feel better. And I know these words coming from him are 100% genuine.  And the problem??? I don’t believe it myself. I don’t think I am beautiful so how could anyone else? I think I am too fat to be sexy so it’s impossible. I think I can’t be loved for who I am because I don’t really know who I am, so how could he? Then it dawned on me. Well hello???? I need to fix me and be happy with me and love me before I can accept that others can too. Anyone and everyone can be beautiful. Anyone can be sexy. So I can be beautiful and sexy too!

The plan in motion.

After having all these thoughts, I decided I needed help. I need to figure out who I am and who I want to be. What makes me happy? What do I find beautiful?  So with this in mind I set out to the library. OMG their total lack of self-help books in the self-esteem and confidence subject was highly disappointing. But I found 12 books so far that I plan to read. After some soul-searching I do know a few things. 2 of my most positive qualities are, 1. I love to help people. Especially listen when they need someone to talk to. And, 2. I love being creative!!! I have the artsy ability that could lose to my 5-year-old, but I love to be creative. I love to write poems, scrapbook,  model build, make chain maille creations, draw, color, plan, and crochet. But how many of these do I actually do. Not many. Why? Because I have always told myself I was not good enough and feared anyone would find my creations. Well guess what? Who cares if I am no good at any of it. All that matters is what makes me happy. So why should everyone else have all the fun? I bought myself a new drawing instruction book and I drew a few cartoon characters. They are horrible! But, I.Had.Fun!!! So I don’t care. Ok so I just got a little carried away. I was trying to give the back story so you could understand why I chose Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert as my first book in my journey to find and love myself for who I am and what I can or can not do, what I look like, etc.

The results:

Today I got up. I felt good. I was content with life. I picked out an outfit that I like and think looks good. Instead of just putting on whatever and looking like crap “because I’m fat and look horrible in everything”.  I then went in and put on makeup. I like makeup. I choose a very bright eye shadow combo. I like it. I don’t care if it draws attention to me and people see that I am overweight. I like the pretty colors. Then I did my hair. Instead of just pulling it into a pony like always “cause I look horrible so why bother trying”, I used a clip and made a pony fountain thing. Sorry I have no fricken idea what it’s called. I just know I love it so that’s what I did. And just as a sidenote… I have loved doing my hair like this since I was a kid, and I haven’t done it in probably 5 years. Maybe more. But it’s done. And I feel great. I feel pretty and I liked who I saw in the mirror. She had a smile on her face instead of the usual look of disgust.

Don’t get me wrong.

I realize that something I haven’t done in my whole life is not going to happen overnight. I know it is going to take time for me to learn to love myself and grow a strong confidence and unshakable self-esteem. But I can do it. And I will. And I will be better for it. My relationship with myself will be better as well as my relationship with Philip.

And the last positive for today…

actually has 2 parts with the same idea. I am normally very introverted. I don’t like telling people my problems or fears or insecurities. I don’t want to bother them or have them think less of me or whatever other dumb reason my mind comes up with. But at the end of that bad day, after getting snuggled in bed with Philip and my stuffies (I have 3 that usually sleep with me), which is my comfort zone, I told him everything I was feeling and thinking. I bawled. I tried to breathe, but I got through it. And he was nothing but supportive. And somehow said what I needed him to say. And listen when I needed him to listen. This is something that was an emotional suicide mission for me. But I survived. This was part 1. Part 2 was publishing this blog post. My goal with this blog was to keep myself accountable, to help me grow, and most importantly to show anyone else out there who might be struggling that they are not alone. That someone else out here knows exactly what they are going through. And to share hope. But how can I do that if I do not share my bad days alongside the good? I can’t. That was my motivation behind today’s post. To keep real and inspire someone else.

Does anyone out there have any other self-help books they recommend? Your own story you want to share? Any additional questions I might be able to answer?

Now I will leave you with the next fearful thing. The selfies I took this morning to show Philip my hair and makeup. Technically our lighting sucks but the eyeshadow is green and red to match the roses on my jean shorts today. Hugz!!!



8 thoughts on “Big Magic

  1. You need to go on that tv show my daughter and I loved to watch where these 4? Women would snatch a girl up out of her house because someone wrote in that their friend was in a funk etc. and let herself go in/outside…Ugh I can’t recall the tv show but one lady worked like on the “victim’s” clothing choices, one on her spiritual, one physical and such but not really a make over so much as a stand bold and proud of who you are inside and out! It was incredibly beautiful to me to see these woman’s affect on each other!! Sounds like that’s what you’re doing minus the tv show and awesome ladies help! Go you! Hey, you’re a pretty girl with great lips too by the way, flaunt what ya got! I never read a selfhelp book but have felt a lot of those same ways years ago and all I can say is somehow if you can open you’re eyes to the zillions of hot messes you see everyday…yes, even the skinny, magazine like women and get to know them too and get 100% honest with yourself, I’d bet you’d never trade your live with theirs!!! I guess changed my way of thinking anyhow for what that’s worth. Like I feel really genuinely horrible for beautiful on outside ladies when they don’t age well as it is 1000 time more soul crushing to them than me if that makes sense? Anyway, look forward to more of these positive posts on your journey 👍

    Liked by 1 person

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